Recently I started to feel this old Matrix-type feeling. A lot of emptiness, confusion and insecurity. An identity crisis. The kind of feeling like I have no idea who I am and what should I do in this world. There are so many options, so many roads to choose, but I don’t know the “right” one. I watch what everyone else is doing and all this seems strange to me somehow. It feels unnatural. Sometimes It feels like I’m the only one who is lost and disconnected, although it’s not true.
I’m tired of searching.. Tired of being so insecure. Sometimes I just wish I would have a story. Like being a defined character, who just does his thing. One goal, one destination and the journey to that. Maybe that’s why I have enjoyed watching TV series or anime. The characters just look so real to me. There is a story. There is excitement, a sense of purpose. It reminds me of my childhood. Things were so simple back then. There wasn’t any confusion, only simplicity. I didn’t have to do soul-searching. I didn’t have to find out who I am. I probably didn’t even care about that, I just lived. I remember I felt so alive. I had so much energy inside me. I just wanted to play and explore all day. I had spontaneous adventures. I felt freedom.
Although I’m glad my awareness has increased so much, I still miss the times, when everything was simple. I wish I didn’t have all these different options, which often drive me crazy. I wish I didn’t have so many questions to ask. Who am I? What is the truth? What is the meaning of all this? But at the same time, I think that this expansion is also important. I guess we just need balance.
But why am I feeling this kind of emptiness? Where does it come from? I know it’s only temporary. This is the result of one particular state of consciousness. And it’s very connected to my body’s chemistry. For example I would definitely feel different after a set of push-ups, which increase my heart rate and produce endorphins and other chemicals. So.. what is this all about? How can I take these feelings seriously when I know it’s so subjective? I could just willingly change my state of consciousness at this moment. And then start to think some different thoughts. Heh, how funny is that.
But why change my state of consciousness? Why is the state of consciousness after exercising or listening to favourite music better or more true? Maybe it’s just running away from these difficult emotions?
“Don’t think so much, just live your life,” – some say. I also say this to myself sometimes. Maybe I’m indeed thinking too much, holding on to some feelings for too long. The answer to this dilemma could be a question: “What is the result of this process? What do I gain from these feelings, what changes?” And then I realize that as I continue this kind of thinking process I start to feel more and more numb. It definitely doesn’t make me happy or give me any real answers. In fact It’s more like a waste of time. There is no practical outcome. It’s just attachment to the feelings. If I were a child, I would’ve already forgotten everything and moved on.
So.. I guess it all comes down to a choice. Do you want to stay stuck in the mud or will you go forward? There is no “right” answer to this. You can also hold on to your feelings forever if you wish to, there is nothing wrong or bad about it. But if you could create a different reality for yourself, why should you? Why would anyone want to consciously give away his/her freedom and suffer? It just doesn’t make sense. If you want to stay stuck, It probably means you are not aware that it’s your own creation. You can say that this is who you are and you don’t need or want to change, but as soon as you make a statement like this, you are already in the process of creating and thus take full responsibility for it.
Whatever the case might be, everything will pass eventually as you turn your attention to the present moment, shed some light on it and let go.