computer video game addiction

My Experiences As A Child Who Was Addicted To Video Games

In Awareness & Self-Love, Personal by Madis Mark3 Comments

Addiction to video games and technology is a very common problem we face in our modern society. There are millions of children who suffer from it every day, being unable to control their behaviour.

It might not affect the body like alcohol and drugs do, but it can still have major consequences on the addict’s life. These are mostly connected to poor grades and a lack of educational development, but also disconnection with friends and family, health problems, financial issues and depression.

It’s clear that something has to be done by the parents because children and teenagers haven’t got enough self-discipline or awareness to make conscious decisions. But I can’t agree with the recommendation that the access to video games and internet should be taken away by force.

Every situation is unique, but there are always hidden causes of addiction that may not be seen by parents. If something is out of balance and children cannot cope with the absence of technology, it means there is a strong need that is unfulfilled and playing a video game might be the only way that satisfies that need.

I understand how difficult can the situation be for parents who just want the best for their kids. But I also understand how it’s like to be a child who suffers from computer addiction, because I went through it myself. That’s the perspective I want to share with you as well.

The Accident And Bullying At School

I was 9 years old when a concrete block fell on my back at an old and unguarded construction site where we used to play as kids. I lost the ability to walk along with my whole identity and self-worth because my legs helped me express myself in unlimited ways and blend in at school.

In addition to the painful loss, I experienced a lot of bullying at school where I felt like a piece of shit. It was like a jungle where the strong preyed on the weak. Most classmates ignored me. Some of them were abusive and got a high from the bullying, especially if they shared this pleasure with others.

I couldn’t even look into one of my classmate’s eyes because he felt intimidated by the fact that someone like me was looking into his eyes. He stared at me with hate, ordering me to look away even though we didn’t have any personal issues. He just wanted to avoid any signs of friendship with me.

One of the boys even laughed at my atrophied legs and told me: “Serves you right!” Again, a tough blow to my self-esteem which was already quite non-existent. Instead of fighting back, I just took it in like I had deserved it.

Countless times I was afraid of going to school. But I didn’t talk about these problems … even with my family. I didn’t want to be a snitch, and believed it would have only made the situation worse. I wished for respect and acceptance, that’s why I was afraid to lose it.

The Only Place Where I Felt Safe

When I got home, I finally had the chance to escape from my reality. I played computer games because it was a place I could feel FREE. I could BE MYSELF and feel EQUAL TO OTHERS. I even used to be a clan leader in many games because I had the confidence. Just like in the old days.

In the virtual world I had the opportunity to be a completely different person. Be whoever I wanted actually. While I was nobody in my real life. There are many other reasons why video games are so attractive, but this was the root cause.

My mother didn’t like that. She wanted me to do exercises and take care of myself. I’m grateful that she forced me to move because otherwise I would’ve probably withered away completely. I felt a lot of resistance though. It was hard.

She felt that my computer addiction was destroying my life, so she tried different methods to stop it. Shouted at me. Threatened me to send me to a boarding school. Pulled the plug by force and banned me from using it. I understand why she did these things, but it added fuel to the fire.

The virtual world was my whole life. I felt safe and joyful there. If this was taken away from me, I felt panic and fear. Sometimes I hated my mother for it. Anger and resistance grew inside me. The relationship got damaged, and even years later I’ve gone to therapy to heal the wound.

Guilt And Sadness Under The Frustration

I was also angry at the fact that I couldn’t be independent. She came to pick me up from school, and it embarrassed me because I was old enough to be interested in girls. I didn’t like to be seen with my mother. I understood that it was needed, but I couldn’t accept it.

I was frustrated. I didn’t have the mood to talk to her while we were driving home. This hurt her really bad, and sometimes became angry or started to cry. I felt guilty because I felt I was the reason that she had so much pain in her life. She basically raised me alone…

When I tried to express my feelings, it easily led to more conflict and pain. That’s why I decided to repress my emotions and ignore her. Only when I arrived home and shut myself into my room, I could let all the emotions out and think to myself: “Forgive me, mother! I’m sorry that I am like this. I just can’t control myself. I don’t know what to do. Please forgive me.”

Deep Loneliness That Almost Killed Me

So I hated to be at school. I hated my whole life, including myself. And my mother didn’t want me to play computer games. Of course she couldn’t force me all the time, so I still played a lot. At one point she even gave up, but the damage was already done.

I was a very traumatized boy who felt alone. No one knew what I was going through. I felt like a burden to my family, thinking that I should have died when the concrete block crushed me. I felt like there was no meaning to my life.

Of course I hated the fact that I couldn’t walk. That I was different from everyone else. But most of all I suffered from loneliness and disconnection. It can be very painful if you cannot even talk to your family while dealing with such a great loss.

I tried to kill myself many times, but luckily I didn’t. I saved myself. My mother couldn’t. She gave up on me and one day I finally came out of it myself. I went through plenty of suffering on the way, but it happened.

A Turning Point

Suffering was actually an important part of my transformation. A lot of people have waken up and discovered their true selves through the experience of pain. Because at one point it’s so painful that you just have to change. If I couldn’t die, I needed to wake up and start living instead. There was no other way.

It is a long story. But today I’m one of the happiest people on the planet. I know that everything can be healed. Everything is possible!

I only wish that things would be easier for others. For the children and for the parents. That’s why I want to share my story with as many people as I can.

The truth is that people always have the best intentions in their heart and do the best they can with the resources they have. There is no need to blame anyone. Me and my mother were both victims of the unfortunate situation. But we can learn a lot from it.

What I really want to say is that we must go deeper to find the hidden causes of our problems. We need to pay attention to our loved ones and try to understand what they are going through. We need to connect rather than fight and separate.

Every addiction is a sign that a need of some kind is unmet. We give our best to fulfill these needs because we want to feel good and do what’s best for us. If we keep that in mind, we can forgive and move forward.

I know my mother loved me and did everything she could, although it was difficult to really understand her point of view while dealing with my emotions at the same time.

So things are not always what they seem. We actually care more than we express. Know that deep down your children are grateful for everything you do for them!


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