A Month Without Internet

Recently I was organising my old notebooks and documents, and found an inspiring writing about my experiences without the home internet in 2015. That was one of my coolest and mind-opening experiences of my life, and I want to share it with you:

I let go of my home internet. This is my first day in peace and silence. I am free of distractions, chaos, and limiting patterns. I feel pure and honest. I’m like a vibrant child again. I can breathe. I can feel!

There are no obstacles. I don’t have to motivate myself. Everything flows freely. Everything is simple. I am me. I am free.

No stimulation, only truth. Oneness with my body and environment. I have the awareness to listen, see and feel. I am alive and every moment is a gift!

I feel like I have all the time in the world. No longer I need to pay attention to the clock to worry about the death of another day. Time doesn’t even matter now. Now is all there is.

When did I usually go behind the computer and use the internet?

  • When I woke up and washed myself. As a teenager I even skipped washing and taking care of myself. Sometimes I couldn’t even go to the bathroom to empty my bladder.
  • Every time I ate food. I always needed some entertainment or stimulation. That also made me hurry when preparing or cooking food. I couldn’t enjoy and be mindful. I ate too fast and didn’t chew properly.
  • Every time I felt bored or anxious. It has been a way to fill the void. It has always been my safe zone.
  • Before going to sleep. It was really hard to skip it when I arrived at home even when it was late and I was exhausted. It was so automatic and normal that I couldn’t even imagine my life without this habit.

I don’t know who I am without the internet and PC. I feel total mystery and emptiness. I want to find out! I want to lose myself so I could find my true self.

Inability to use the internet or using willpower to stay away from it – these are totally different experiences.

I feel peace when I know I can’t cheat. I feel free. When I have the possibility to use the internet and stay offline at the same time, it is still good, but it’s not as great. I usually have temptations. I’m too close to my old world. Can’t focus. Can’t forget.

Suddenly there are no ways to escape. Everything is transparent. I see what is going on in our world. Chaos and disconnection, scared and lifeless faces. Everyone is hurrying somewhere, trying to survive, trying to escape and suppress.

So much is revealed in supermarkets where we buy food from. Just by going there and paying attention we can learn everything about our society. And it’s a bit funny, but mostly sad.

People are blind and dead, but they are still walking and acting like they know.

I have seen the same scene multiple times, thought about it a little, and then gone to my safe virtual world where everything is forgotten.

Every one of us tries to escape and forget. We fill ourselves with distractions and illusions. We make fuss over every little detail, but miss what is important. We create problems from something we can’t control, but ignore everything that can be controlled. We look outside, but rarely within. No responsibility or awareness of choice. Just lies.

We lie and when we don’t, we suppress. We like fairy tales, but fail to notice that our own life is the biggest one.

Take away all the distractions and the Matrix reveals itself.

I’m thankful for this opportunity to remove my glasses of zeroes and ones, and actually be present in this world. I am alive. I can begin the work.

Some of the changes that were happening to me during this period:

  1. Less thinking. Less information. More feelings. More expression.
  2. More time, but free of time.
  3. Total transformation. No limits. The core of my old world was lost. I felt like I could do anything. Everything could change.
  4. Mysterious feelings. Strong intuition. I didn’t know who I am, and it felt so good. I was one with the world. One with the silence.
  5. Attracted a meeting with a total stranger on the street. Had a deep conversation. She wanted to know more about the plant-based diet. Made a friend. It was incredible to see how open she was.
  6. Stronger body awareness. I felt like I was healing and could create miracles in that state.
  7. Less junk food cravings. I ate more mindfully. Eating had used to be connected to different computer activities like watching videos. Without the internet I ate more for nutrition, not entertainment.
  8. Better focus. It was easier to be productive, because I had less distractions.

Eventually I still returned to the virtual world (actually I only managed a month), but my perspective had become different. I became more mindful about my online activities and I started to value offline time a lot more.

I used to dream about staying offline forever because it used to be my biggest prison, but now I see it more like a tool for creation and spreading awareness. This is also my opportunity to have more freedom in my life as I dream about a location independent online business and entrepreneurship. I’m on the right track!

If this blog post inspired you, there is another one about breaking free from the virtual prison: Prison Break

The Dreamy Raw Vegan Cruise in Croatia

Have you ever heard about a luxury raw vegan cruise, where people are health-conscious, happy and supportive, chefs are serving unlimited amounts of delicious living food, lectures are filled with profound and simple truths, and where you can swim, sunbathe or explore the surrounding nature as much as you desire?

Usually these kind of adventures would only happen in my dreams, but in June 2017 destiny led me to experience it for real! I made huge leaps towards my health and happiness, overcame many of my fears connected to opening up and showing my physical body, and even experienced deep romantic love for the first time in my life! It was the most magical and awesome trip I’ve ever had and I’m happy to share it with you as well.

Manifestation of a free lottery ticket

I’ve been on a conscious health journey for over 4 years now, but there are still a lot of unanswered questions when it comes to my body. When I discovered veganism and the power of living foods, I became free of most of my minor health problems like acne, excessive sweating, big skin rashes (was allergic to my sweat), frequent colds and feeling like crap, but I still haven’t overcome my gut inflammation (along with eczema), scoliosis and deeper neurological issues connected to my spinal injury.

I had felt stuck for a very long time, not knowing what to do next to heal my body. Taking your health into your own hands and doing experiments is not for the weak-minded, because the whole Matrix system is trying to suppress your innate power and most of the people are not really supportive of you doing something different than them. We have to be courageous and find the answers from within ourselves and that takes a lot of commitment.

Knowing that the power to change my life lies deep within me, I made a strong decision to finally move ahead, let go of the unneeded crap, and use my magnificent mind to call the universe to guide me towards the right path. After I felt that I had suffered enough, I had an intention that I will heal no matter what and there is nothing that could stop me.

On the 4th June I saw a dream where I found a magical device from the bottom of a lake. The screen showed a mathematical puzzle which needed the right number to be solved. A friend of mine (whose real birthday is on 4th April!) recommended me to use the number four and thanks to trusting him, I won over 400 000 euros. I felt extremely happy when I woke up and I knew that the dream had an important message, but I didn’t know what it was until an unbelievable surprise.

A couple of days after my birthday (I got 25 years old) I woke up in the morning with sleepy eyes and checked my e-mail. “Congratulations! You won the free ticket to our Raw Vegan Cruise in Croatia.” At first I couldn’t react at all because it seemed so random and unreal that I thought it was just a software bug or something. But when I went on Facebook to see people congratulating me, I slowly started to accept the truth and it felt AWESOME!

After thinking about it for a while, I realized the meaning behind the dream I had. It all started to make sense, even though it’s pretty crazy. The magical device came from the water (cruise) and all the numbers were connected. I heard that I had a 4th place in the lottery table and I realized that the cruise would begin on 24th June. I then bought my flight tickets and realized that the plane would took off on Thursday and come back to Estonia on 4th July (and I didn’t even pay attention to this at first, just chose the best price). And on top of that, my destiny number is also 4 (13.06.1992)! I haven’t usually been a huge numerology fan, but there is too much synchronicity to be just a coincidence.

Opening that leads to kindness wherever I go

Feeling gratitude and excitement with all my heart, I finally flew to Croatia two days sooner than the cruise would begin. A very kind and cheerful host came to pick me up from the airport and drove me to the hostel Marina in Trogir. I liked that everyone were positive and friendly wherever I went. Like attracts like, but I guess the sunny places have usually more happy people than in the north.

Oh how I enjoyed the abundance of sun and all the beautiful places near the coasts. I felt very happy and healthy even on the first day, because it was so warm and my body had been missing the sun for most of my life. It was even too hot for me, so I had to overcome one of my greatest limitations and fears which is revealing my deformed and skinny legs. I put on my short pants and just went outside to openly show my uniqueness to the world around me. What a discovery and transformation that was!

I got a confirmation that our confidence is not limited by how we look, but how bravely we show and open ourselves. I used to always have this weird anxiety going on when I moved around people, but when I revealed my legs and acted out of love instead of fear, I suddenly became very confident and connected to myself. I used to think that my legs were making me insecure, but it was actually the hiding that made me like this. When you become vulnerable and just accept yourself as you are instead of being afraid of other people’s reactions, you will feel good and powerful!

Just after a few minutes I attracted a beautiful and kind lady who started to have a conversation with me and it was very enlightening. She was more open than most people I am used to meet in Estonia, and that interaction taught me a lot about connection. Once again I felt certain that showing my true colors and opening myself to others makes life a really wonderful adventure!

Paradisiacal and mind-opening cruise

The raw vegan cruise was fantastic from the moment I got on the boat. I felt a very loving energy coming from all over the place and I was happy to know that I could eat as much raw food as I wanted. In Estonia I always had challenges with not getting enough calories, greens or ripe fruits, so this was a great freedom for me. I could basically order whatever I wanted on top of the regular delicious meals that were served, or have simpler food combinations for my digestion.

One of the best parts of the cruise was to connect with awakened people from all around the world. I was happy to practice my English speaking skills, broaden my worldview and have deep and healing connections that gave me a lot of inspiration to move forward in life and start creating more YouTube videos and blog articles to make a difference in the world. And I was also very glad to help other people in need: one sweet woman even told me that I helped her to overcome depression and suicidal thoughts. This cruise was so amazing that it literally saved lives!

The beautiful Croatian islands and cities were also amazing sights to see. One of the coolest places was the National Park of Krka, where people were swimming near the waterfalls and everything was surrounded by the gorgeous greenery. I also liked the 230-foot-long sea organ in Zadar that turns the rhythms of the waves into actual music!

My favorite activity was swimming in the mineral-rich water which was very healing to my body and mind. I actually have a pretty deep bedsore on my buttocks at the moment so it was one of the most important things to help me recover. My body also lacks minerals and swimming is the best opportunity to absorb all the essential minerals through the skin. But the biggest transformation happened thanks to the courage to even go swimming, because one of my greatest fears has been showing my half-naked body to other people, and I managed to do that for the whole week! After a while it seemed so natural and easy that I didn’t even remember why I’d been so afraid all these years.

It truly was a paradise!

The magical eye connection and the best summer night of my life

And now comes the best part… even though it was already more than I could ever imagine. When we were eating lunch in the middle of the cruise I spontaneously started to look into the eyes of one lovely German girl called Natascha. At first it was just an exercise for opening the heart and learning to connect, which was sometimes a bit uncomfortable and sometimes so funny that it was hard to stop laughing, but the more we did it the deeper it became.

Later she told me that I hadn’t been actually her type, but when she was looking into my eyes, she just felt this powerful and deep love between us that she forgot all of her previous thoughts and limitations. We touched our souls in such an amazing way that we couldn’t stop gazing and hugging for almost an hour. Time stopped completely and the thoughts of other people in the room didn’t matter anymore. It was like pure ecstasy in my body, but better than any psychoactive drug is capable of doing. The energies were flowing so intensely that even others felt the whole room vibrating and getting filled with love and happiness. I just don’t have enough words for it…

It was the final day of the cruise. We decided to have a talent show for the evening so that everybody could open their hearts and say or do whatever their souls wished. I went all out and performed four songs in different languages and showed everyone who I truly am inside. I also talked about my challenges and goals, which was full of courage and inspiration, and I was very happy to see that I could touch other people’s hearts so strongly. Finally I felt that my mission on the boat was accomplished! It was also wonderful to see everyone acting like a true family and showing their feelings about the whole journey, being filled with hope and positive energy for the challenging times to come.

After everybody went to sleep and prepare for the departure in the morning, I patiently waited for Natascha to come upstairs and continue our lovely connection. The stairs reminded me of a scene in Titanic where Jack takes the hand of Rose and kisses it, so I wanted to do exactly the same thing. And for some reason we also decided to go to the front of the deck and lay down on the couch, looking at the stars above us. It was unbelievable how romantic and magical it turned out to be!

We were looking into each other’s eyes again, even more beautifully than the previous times, and we slowly started to get closer and closer. At first I hesitated to kiss her, because a part of me had a challenging time to accept and receive all this deep love I’d never experienced before, and I told her it was like jumping into the water, but when she said “Fuck fear!”, I got so much powerful energy that I finally jumped without any second thoughts.

Oh what a night that was! A night without any sleep, just pure magic. Actually our bodies wanted to sleep, but the connection felt so amazing that we didn’t want to close our eyes. And it was also our final day together on the cruise, so we really cherished every moment of it.

It still feels like a dream, but I’m extremely happy to know that it was all real and my life has really changed! That had been one of my biggest dreams and it’s so incredible how it came alive. I had never experienced anything like that before the cruise and I had actually been happy to accept that this would never happen in this lifetime (although I knew it would), because I love my life so much that I can appreciate whatever I have in this moment! And I’m so grateful that it actually took so long, because I can really feel what it’s truly worth – every connection with a woman is a priceless gift from the universe.

Determined to heal and run

When I came back home to see my family, I was so full of energy that I hadn’t smiled and talked so much to them in a long time! Connecting with my family and opening myself has been one of the biggest challenges in life, but this time it was simple as walking in the park! It’s fantastic how a few days can change a man completely. Getting on that cruise ship was the most magnificent gift I’ve ever had and it really transformed my life!

I’m more determined than ever before to heal myself and eventually run a marathon. Everything I need is within me, getting ready to explode. I will rise up and become a legend, starting with this blog post and many videos to come!

Check out the dreamy raw vegan cruise here: http://thewholelifestyle.com/raw-vegan-cruise/

Love is Our Natural State of Being

When mindfulness opens the gates of our inner worlds and grants us the space to be peaceful and flowing, it’s the magical love for ourselves, which flows naturally out of those gates. It’s pure joy in the hearts of people that brightens up even our darkest experiences. It’s the music, which transforms our lives into perfect works of art and gives us the power to see the miracle of creation in every little grain of sand.

There is a lot of talking about learning to love oneself, and I have used that expression too, but I’m sure that self-love is actually our natural state of being. Love is the main ingredient in every creation of the universe. In a perfect society, nobody would even come up with the idea of learning to love, because of its obvious nature.

In this world, however, we see so few loving people, who actually care about themselves. If we walk on the streets, we rarely see the shining sun on people’s faces. They are more likely to look depressed and frightened, empty of life. They don’t smile or even want to look into each other’s eyes.

But why? Why have the people lost the ability to shine and love, which was so natural in our childhood?

In this society we are surrounded by countless programs and manipulations. School, work, media, television, newspapers, commerce… There are endless amounts of signals that tell people they are never worthy enough. This consumption what we see in our modern world, is the expression of the absence of love. People are using each other, because they don’t feel connected to themselves or nature.

This is just a learned unnatural behavior, which is needed to power the Matrix, nothing more. Nobody or anything can take something, which has always been there. We have built thick layers to keep our love suppressed, but it will be released as soon as we let go of our massive and troublesome backpack.

Self-love is underneath the ego layers

Self-love is not egoism like many people usually think. Egoism has more to do with the ego and its fears or insecurities. The people who are egoistic must constantly strive for acknowledgement and respect, because they believe in separation and their incompleteness. They may act like they don’t care about other opinions, but in reality it’s their biggest motivation. A narcissistic person always fights for his reputation and wants to look better than others, worrying about fancy clothes, cars or his physical appearance. There wouldn’t be so much stress involved if he only did it for himself.

He often forgets about other people’s needs and acts disrespectfully towards them. It doesn’t mean that he wishes harm to others. Actually he desperately needs closeness and love like everyone else, but he searches it from the wrong place. He chases illusions of the external world, never looking inside.

The illusion of separation can express in another way as well. Not everyone becomes an arrogant road roller. Sometimes they direct their fear inside, criticizing or hating themselves. Because of some fixed image how they should look in the society, they feel worthlessness when they don’t match that illusionary image. The world seems to be a hostile place to live, and they can deeply believe that their whole life is just a terrible mistake.

I was also this kind of a victim once. I felt how different I was from everyone else. I felt like no one understood me. I behaved destructively towards myself, filling my head with negative thoughts and even wishing to kill myself at some point. I believed that there was something wrong with me. That I was being guilty of being me and that my whole existence caused only harm to my family.

It all happened, because I had an idea of some normality. I thought I should have been like all the rest, and that made me extremely unhappy. For a long time I felt only pain, fear and loneliness. But after I began to accept myself and the situation I was in, everything changed. That was the best decision I’ve ever done.

Of course I didn’t “learn” to love and accept myself overnight. At first I just deeply wanted to change my life. I suffered enough until my self destructiveness became sadness and empathy toward myself, which helped me to let go of my ego. And then I decided that I would never give up. I knew there was still hope in the world. I discovered love and gratitude from the depths of my body and soul. After that, a huge door was opened and my life was slowly starting to transform.

Love is in the present moment

There is no need to learn how to love. Actually, love has always been inside us, but we just haven’t been aware of it. Love flows when our mind takes a break, and we live in the present moment. We could feel that powerful energy instantly, but it usually takes time to let go of our limiting patterns. Learning mindfulness is actually an unlearning process. We have used to identify with our minds so much that it’s quite challenging to break free, but when we let go of our excess baggage and take a deep breath, we can all feel it.

Sometimes we search for years to finally realize that we have always had everything we need. That’s the mystery of life.

Love is all that matters. Love is all that is real. I don’t know a lot of things about this world and I usually question everything, but I know that love is real. And that’s why it has become the center of my life.

Loving ourselves means letting go of our dreams and wants to let them fly freely. It means to accept your current life situation exactly as it is and make peace with it. We don’t give up what we love, or abandon our dreams, but we find the love in what we are and do right now. We only let go of the need to control. The belief that there are good and bad experiences. Or that everything has to happen exactly the way we want. Instead we let these wishes go to do their magic.

If you start to love yourself, you have the power to love and respect everything that exists. There is harmony, closeness and connection. You learn to live in the moment, the land of all dreams. Nothing seems impossible. The past and the future doesn’t matter much, because everything happens in the now, and you can always change and start again.

Self-love is the greatest and most important treasure in this universe. It’s life itself!

Watch this amazing video to get in touch with your love right now 🙂

The Way We See The Problem Is The Problem

We all want to be happy and successful. But we usually try to look for the solutions outside of ourselves. A lot of us believe that happiness comes from acquiring external things, relationships, experiences etc. „If only I achieved my goal… Then I would be happy.“ A few of us can really appreciate what we have in the present moment. But if we don’t respect the experiences which exist right now, we also don’t understand or even try to understand them. So we look for quick fixes to get out of our painful situations.

For example, in the past I believed that my disability – being in a wheelchair was a problem. I wished to get walking, but I hoped for a quick fix. When I saw that my temporary efforts didn’t make a big difference and my mirror image (skinny legs and curvatures of the spine) seemed like a frustrating and decisive harsh reality, I gave up soon and lost my hope. I couldn’t appreciate my situation and accept myself as I was, instead I dreamed of an external solution that would relieve the pain in my life.

Usually when people have health problems, they also look for a quick solution, which would let them escape from the situation and not take responsibility for it. It’s easy to just swallow a pill when you have a headache. They will find people who will meet their wants and teach them these quick fixes; and for a short time, solutions may seem to work (symptoms start to disappear). But the underlying condition remains and new problems will eventually rise.

I could have also just pushed harder and tried to force things with willpower or put more effort in looking for miraculous healers or cures, but without a deep change inside, it would’ve been useless. My desperate feelings of resistance would have taken control of me sooner or later. I would’ve experienced many failures and felt even more frustration and disappointment, like losing something precious over and over again.

We Need To Change Our Perspective

What we often don’t realize is that what we are is more important than what we do. It’s the energy behind our actions what truly matters. Ignorance of this causes people to fail.

The way we see the problem is the real problem. We need to change our perspective on things if we want to be successful. We don’t need to give up on our dreams or goals. Our life is full of possibilities, but we just need to change our paradigms and the way we see this world.

We have to look much deeper into our hearts. There might be a fundamentally different course we could take.

Albert Einstein said, “The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.“ One could argue that our problems are not created by us, but that is just a dead-end. If we want to change our reality, we need to stop being victims and take responsibility for our life.

My disability may seem to be just a random tragedy, but maybe it’s not? Maybe there is a higher meaning behind it? Maybe I created it myself? It’s possible that I’ll never find out what is the absolute truth, but believing in this possibility would definitely affect my way of life.

Even when my accident could’ve been incidental, the way I perceive it makes a total difference to my future. If I were pitying myself and thinking that it’s a curse, I obviously wouldn’t have a lot of chance to start walking and running again, because I wouldn’t believe in myself.

To create true miracles we need a much deeper level of thinking and perceiving things. We need to direct our focus inside ourselves and let go of our egoistic fears and illusions of separation.

Everything starts inside ourselves. We have the power to influence what’s happening around us. If you want to have a good relationship, be the kind of person who is more understanding, empathic and generates positive energy. If you want to be trusted, be trustworthy. If you want to improve your health, be more responsible and respectful to your body. If you want the world to change, be the change.

The Power To Create Miracles

My healing started to take place when I finally accepted myself as I am. When I found the courage to forgive myself and let go. I changed my world thanks to the changes in my being.

Becoming able to walk again is not an easy task. It requires a tremendous amount of self-love and willpower. Overcoming that kind of challenge needs total acceptance and peace of mind. We usually think that achieving our goals would make us happy, but it’s actually the happiness, which leads us to our full potential.

“The warrior does not give up what he loves, he finds the love in what he does.“ This is a quote from the movie Peaceful Warrior, which had a huge impact on my life. That kind of thinking resonates with me deeply.

After I found the power of my life situation and really became grateful for it, I overcame the illusion of separation and became connected to all what exists. I began to feel happiness and do exercises just for the movements alone. I let go of the attachment to my dreams and discovered the beauty of the present moment, where everything is possible and whole.

I truly believe that with the power of the heart I can heal myself, stand in front of all my friends and sing like a star. While I can be happy and joyful wherever I am, I feel that it’s my future to create this miracle. Actually it already exists!

Every journey begins with one small step. And the road leading to the destination we truly wish to go is always the most exciting part. I’m happy to share this wonderful journey with you. I hope my story inspires you to take the best out of life and never give up! Recognize the magic of your life and everything will flow!

The Story Of My Life: How Pain Became A Shining Light

I rarely dwell in the past and sometimes my distant memories even seem to be from another person’s life. I have changed so much over the years that I often wonder what kind of magic lead me to this current place. I am so used to my new self that sometimes I can’t even explain my transformation. Everything has become so natural that if someone would ask me how can I be so happy or peaceful, then it’s possible that I wouldn’t know the answer. Happiness just seems to be the natural state for humans. Why should I be miserable?

However, that kind of attitude would’ve been a complete utopia many years back, because I felt like the most unfortunate person alive.

To share my story and inspire others to live and help themselves, I consider it necessary to remember what happened to me and how did I find myself. This story has a lot of sad and painful elements, which I rarely write or talk about, because I have a very positive outlook on life and I prefer to live in the present, but I feel that people must hear it. Nothing in life deserves to be hidden or locked away, repainted with bright colors. I want to tell my story exactly as it was to respect my inner child’s and past self’s wishes. He sincerely wants to share his feelings, which he couldn’t do during the most difficult times. He wants to feel that his painful experiences had a purpose and people learn something real and valuable by listening to his story.

The truth is beautiful exactly as it is, therefore I’m going to tell you a honest story about my fateful accident and the following pain, which transformed into a shining light for the whole world.

My Joyful Childhood

I was born in a small city in Estonia, where I lived in a rich neighborhood surrounded by multi-storey buildings. My mother and father parted ways when I was just 4 years old, and I lived with my mom and two older brothers. I rarely saw my father, although he was still a part of my life and made me try different sports or went bicycling with me.

As a child I was quite similar to most of the boys at my age. Cheerfulness and creativity were my natural attributes and I liked to play all day long. There was never a problem that nobody wanted to come out of the house or that nothing was to be done. I remember that I woke up early, ate my breakfast and wanted to go outside straight away. I didn’t even have to make an arrangement and call my friends, because they had a similar routine and we found each other fast.

Life was simple and the present moment was the most valuable treasure for us. Generally we stuck together and couldn’t hold a grudge for too long. Even when we had a fight, it was already forgotten the next day. Thanks to the nearby nature we didn’t lack any adventures either. We often went hiking and had a picnic, or climbed on trees and posts, and of course we went running or cycling as well. Computers and mobile phones weren’t so common back then, so we had to create our own activities and games, which included hide-and-seek, scouting (spying) and playing with toy guns.

The days were full of excitement, adrenaline and joy. We didn’t know what it meant to be bored. We lived our lives to the fullest and enjoyed every single moment. (I guess that’s why these memories are so easy to recall). When we had an idea, we usually carried it out without thinking much. For example once, when I was about 6 years old, I decided to visit Finland with a playmate. We packed our bags and walked towards the way out of the city. Fortunately my mother saw this, because she was working in a gas station nearby, and stopped us. The fantasies were just so vivid that we often managed to create such hilarious situations.

I remember a day, when I half-jokingly made a confession to a girl and wrote “I love you” on a wall. I was possibly only 7 years old and these situations were obviously very embarrassing for children. My announcement was even so upsetting that the girl sent the entire street to chase me. I hid myself along with a friend on old concrete blocks laying in the back of the gas station, where we giggled and thought how the hell were we supposed to return home safely. At one point I managed to get inside my house, but a lot of kids wanted to break in. Luckily my older brother and his friend drove them away.

Besides a carefree and joyful life, I also experienced some scarier moments. For example I remember a day, when my mother and brother were temporarily shopping and I stayed home as a 4-year-old kid. I was playing Commander Keen until I suddenly had an urge to go to my kitchen. I’m not sure what I was exactly doing there, but at one point my room, where I played the game, was totally in flames. I run to a kitchen window to call for help. The fire was so intense that about 6 firetrucks showed up! Official cause of the fire was a short circuited wall socket, but who knows, such a young child can also lit a room by playing with fire. I have very hazy memories of this incident and my actions, but I remember feeling a lot of fear inside myself, when I was taken to the back of an ambulance. I was afraid that I would be punished, but instead they comforted me and told me that it had just been an accident, which I also started to believe over time.

Despite some ugly incidents and accidents I always recharged my batteries in a short time and never stayed under the control of my fears. Even though I got hurt many times while playing, I never felt scared to do crazy things. I was extremely brave and I liked to climb everywhere I could.

I even caused a lot of trouble like any normal boy. Once I kicked and broke a window of one stairway’s door glass in the middle of my games and hid myself until the end of the day, hoping my deed would be forgotten. At school I was put standing in a corner a few times and sometimes I had fights with other kids, but that was just regular boyish life. I was very energetic and I also had a lot of friends.

One of the main reasons why I was respected by other boys were my faithful legs. When we had relay races at school I was usually one of the first classmates, who was invited to a team, because I was a good runner. This helped me to fit in very well.
In addition, my legs gave me a lot of self-confidence and made me feel very powerful. Thanks to my faithful and quick legs I could do whatever I wanted. I was free and independent. I could go anywhere and express myself in different ways.

My legs were the core of my strength and pride. They meant everything to me…

The Accident

But on one fateful day (September 1, 2001), everything changed. I was 9 years old, waiting for one of my best friend’s birthday party after 3rd grade school ceremony. I was also invited to my grandmother’s birthday by my family, but I chose to stay home and go to my friend’s place instead. But before that I went to a nearby shop to buy some snacks. There I met a few friends, who wished for some excitement. I still had about 2 hours until the birthday party so I decided to join them.

There was an abandoned and fenceless construction site near my home, which was our typical playground. We had gone there dozens of times before to play games or have a picnic. On that day the four of us decided to play hide and seek, so we split into two teams. We crawled through the hollow spaces of long blocks of concrete, made silent movements and scouted around the place, sometimes lifting our heads up to see where the other boys were located. I felt very excited like normally. Nothing seemed to be different.

But suddenly… after my teammate had finished scouting, he jumped off a concrete block, which was insecurely supported by another. The jump caused the block to lose its balance while I was directly in front of it. As soon as I realized that, I was already on the ground face down, noticing only some dust flying around. The concrete block, which weighed about 1,5 tons, had fallen on my back. I have no idea how it’s possible, but my upper body including my hands and head was untouched. It was a miracle that I even survived.

While I was lying there on my stomach, I never lost consciousness nor did I even feel any pain. But I was completely stuck. At first I tried to pull myself out with my hands, but it was hopeless. My teammate had also injured one of his legs, but he was so shocked that he run away. I called for help, but the other boys, who were farther away, thought that I was just fooling around and didn’t want to reveal themselves. After a few minutes they luckily still came to me, realized what had happened and run to a shop to call the ambulance.

I stayed there alone, completely shocked. I began to notice that I didn’t feel my legs anymore. I had never experienced this tingly and numb sensation before, so it felt very strange. I continued to make several desperate attempts to get out, but failed.

Everything felt so unreal. I started to cry from the sadness and regret as I was afraid to die. Different memories were flashing before my eyes. I thought about my close relationships and began to say goodbye using my real voice. I said I’m sorry.

I was almost ready to let go of my life, when suddenly I heard the ambulance alarm, which was getting louder and louder. Soon my friends arrived with a medical team and the rescue operation began. They used big airbags to carefully lift the concrete block up. This was the first moment when I felt pain during the whole event. Although the nerves from the back to my toes had already stopped functioning, I still felt a tremendous amount of pain coming from the bones as the concrete block was being lifted. I screamed like I was in hell.

It turned out that the accident had happened at the exact place, where some blocks of wood were placed. It was probably the only reason why I wasn’t completely crushed by the massive weight.

When I finally managed to get out, my body looked so deformed like it had the shape of a frog. They carefully put me into a car and took me to a hospital. I was in a lot of pain, but while looking at the clock, my only concern was being late to the birthday party, where I promised to go. I had no idea what that accident really meant.

I remember that when my parents saw me at the hospital, I just smiled at them and thought that everything was going to be just fine. After all, I had experienced many falls and accidents before. Why it should have been any different from the previous times?

After the initial diagnosis I was transported to a more advanced hospital in Tallinn. There I immediately underwent a stomach surgery, which put my organs back in the right place, and later had a spinal surgery for my completely shattered L3 disc. I also had a lot of broken ribs and two broken legs, but these were my lightest injuries.

The doctors told my parents that I would probably never walk again and maybe even stay bedridden. My parents were obviously very shocked to hear this, but I was completely unaware of these things and just wanted to sleep and rest at that point.

This was the day I’ll never forget. It changed my whole life completely. But I would’ve never imagined how it was going to continue from that moment forward. In my mind I was just temporarily visiting the hospital until I would continue my life like I had always done.

The Painful Loss

After the accident I stayed at the hospital for many weeks. I spent my first week in the intensive care , where most of the time I was half-asleep and screaming in pain. I was alone with different nurses, who were sometimes quite annoyed by those screams, because they couldn’t sleep at night. Later I got out and could finally be with my mother, who stayed by my side the following weeks.

In the beginning I was very traumatized and saw a lot of nightmares about the accident, so I needed a lot of support and closeness. But I got so used to the care that I became very lazy and didn’t like to do the things I was told. My comfortable side took over and I just became dependent on others and their nurture. A doctor warned me about my future if I didn’t take action. But I didn’t really understand these words. I didn’t think about the future at all, I just wanted to rest and be with my mother.

I still got out of a bed quite soon though. I started to practice moving with a wheelchair, although It was very hard for my back at first. My legs didn’t move at all, only my thigh muscles twitched a little. They were also in plaster casts, so I couldn’t do much anyway. And because of the spinal injury, I also lost my bladder function, so I couldn’t even pee on my own.

One day my classmates came to visit me at the hospital. I was happy to see them and their pictures what they had drawn for me. It seemed they really missed me and wanted me to come back to school again. But something felt strange and soon I started to feel uncomfortable. Someone asked why did I have a towel on my legs. I started to feel embarrassed and didn’t want them to look at me with their confused eyes and make comments about my body. I wanted them to leave me alone.
This was the first time I felt I was different from everybody else. That there was something wrong with me.

I continued to spend many weeks in solitude and only my mother or father was usually around. I didn’t see my friends for a very long time and my social skills were slowly starting to disappear. I believe that mentally I got even younger than 9 years. My life had changed so much that my previous identity was slowly fading away. The boy, who had often acted as a leader for other kids, was turning into a fragile child.

A day arrived when It was time to remove the plaster casts from my legs. I hadn’t seen my legs from the knee down even once after the accident, so I didn’t know what to expect. But when I finally got the chance to look at them, my naive hopes of continuing my normal life were shattered at that single moment. I didn’t recognize my legs anymore, because they were extremely atrophied. I burst out crying like I had lost something very precious to me. The emotional pain I felt was indescribable. It was one of the most shocking moments of my life and a big portion of my remaining self-confidence was lost at that day.

I was only a 9-year-old boy, who didn’t know what to do with all those feelings. Everybody wanted me to train hard and take care of myself, but there wasn’t any willpower left in me. I didn’t have the strength to take on such a huge challenge. So I was forced to do all the work by my mother. Of course these half-heartedly done exercises weren’t enough, but at least I could improve a little and not stay completely inactive.

School and Relationship Issues

I became so dependent on my mother that we always stayed together wherever I had to go. She quit working and taking care of me became her full-time job. That gradually took a toll on her and our relationship was getting more complicated. At such a young age, I couldn’t understand her feelings, so I kind of took it all for granted.

At one point, she refused to go to a rehabilitation center with me again, because I was old enough. At first I resisted and didn’t want to let go of her, but there were so many fun activities that after a while I got used to it. It was a perfect environment to be in, because I didn’t feel different from others around me. I was energetic and I liked playing with other kids.

When It was time to go back to school, the insecure side of me took over again. Although my classmates were very excited to see me, I felt very alienated. I didn’t know how to communicate with them as I was mentally so behind from everyone else.
Gradually they also realized that I was a completely different person than before. I was very closed and shy, so they started to lose respect for me. As I changed, so did their attitude towards me.

I remember one time, when I didn’t pay enough attention in the class and my teacher shouted at me in front of everyone. She told me that my circumstances don’t give me a reason to deserve special treatment. I was so fragile that I started to cry. But something like that wasn’t very accepted at school. Although we were so young, we were already taught to hide our emotions and behave normally. It wasn’t okay for a boy to shed tears like that.

As the time went on, things got more and more complicated. My classmates were developing so rapidly that I fell behind even more. Boys were already hanging out with the girls while I never even spoke with a girl. Even one girl who I was friends with since childhood didn’t say a word to me. Can’t blame them either, because that was a new and difficult situation for all of us. I wasn’t confident enough to start talking with them nor they had the courage or wisdom to step out of the mass and act differently.

Because they were developing much faster then I was, I started to notice even more differences between us so the frustration inside me grew even bigger. I was ashamed of myself and felt like I didn’t belong there.

When we hit puberty, our class was getting more and more difficult to control. Boys grew arrogant and started to demonstrate their power. They often broke into the classroom between the lessons even though It wasn’t allowed.
They were extremely aggressive and often threw different objects around the class. I was always sitting inside so I had to be careful not to get hit. But sometimes they tried to hit me deliberately to bully me. For them It was just fun, but I was afraid every time they jumped in and played their games.

At that time I didn’t know why I deserved all that bullying, but I guess they were disgusted by my shy nature. I was unpopular and weak, which gave them the opportunity to feel superior. I wasn’t in particular conflict with any of them, but It was just something that became the norm. If the leaders of our class decided not to be friends with me, everyone followed, because they didn’t want to be left out of the group.

Soon I was bullied basically every day in some way. Boys were very mean to me and some of them didn’t want to even have eye contact and shouted that I should look away. That was quite humiliating and gave me a feeling like I was a piece of trash.
I was a person everybody could make fun of. When one of my classmates took my hands by force and raised them up, singing a song at the same time, It was humorous for the whole class. I noticed that only the girls were against that kind of behavior, but no one really dared to take action. They just wanted to stay out of that.

One of the most painful moments for me was when a classmate made fun of my skinny legs and said that I deserved to have that accident. I’ve never held a grudge against him, but It surely had a big impact on me.

If puberty made the other boys aggressive and mean, It was the opposite for me. I became even more closed and kept everything to myself. I never blamed anyone else and I didn’t even talk about those issues with my family, because I thought that It would make things even worse. I just learned to suppress my emotions as hard as I could.

Not everything in my life was so gloomy though. I still had a few friends in school I could talk to. When someone sat next to me, I usually talked quite a lot and sometimes even interrupted the lessons. Luckily I also had a few childhood friends, who hadn’t abandoned me and who often invited me outside, although I didn’t really say a word for a long time. My social skills were lacking and I felt I was too different. Mostly I just listened to them or replied when I was rarely asked something. I often felt that I was invisible and If I had disappeared, they wouldn’t have noticed. So as you can tell It wasn’t very fun being around with me, but I’m so thankful they still considered me as their friend. In a way they were like guardian angels, who didn’t let my light vanish completely.

Light Behind the Shadows

I also got a lot of relief from playing computer games and socializing with my online buddies. That gave me the chance to feel equal with others. I felt so free and powerful in the virtual world that I could forget everything what was happening in my real life. This wasn’t good for my body though as I often sat there all day long. I didn’t take enough care of my self and that was unacceptable for my mother. We had a lot of fights because of those issues and she would sometimes turn off my computer by force. I understand why she did so, but that made our relationship even more complicated. For me It was equivalent to taking away my whole life and meaning. My only place, where I could feel safe. Her actions angered me a lot and I started to reject her.

Besides my mother, I also lived some time with my brother, who was just starting to grow up and become more independent. He didn’t like to be at home very much and when he did, he wished to be alone. We were often competing over who could use the computer. He usually won, but I still disturbed him quite a bit while he was doing his things. We had conflicts, which often led to physical fights and these usually ended with me crying in the other room’s corner.

As time went by, everything became only worse. I didn’t want to be close with my mother anymore. She would often bring me back from school, but that frustrated me a lot. It was understandable with my condition, but I felt very uncomfortable when all the people, especially the girls, saw it. I wanted to grow up like everyone else and become independent. Going home with my mother was devastating for my ego and I often felt a lot of anger and frustration inside me while we were driving home. I didn’t want to say a word to her. Sometimes I did and that led to a painful fight again. She would often lose her temper and shout at me. I didn’t want to experience those conflicts, so I just thought that staying quiet and ignoring her complaints was the best thing to do. But unfortunately that made my mother feel like I didn’t care about her.

Sometimes she felt very saddened and told me that she didn’t know what to do with me anymore. She compared me to my brothers and asked why I was such a difficult kid to raise. Once she even threatened to abandon me and take me to a boarding school if I didn’t change.

Gradually she also grew tired of fighting and closed herself, when she realized that her words weren’t accomplishing anything. Soon she just gave up on me, believing she had failed.

I was aware that she was in pain, but I just couldn’t talk to her anymore. I could only show her my apathy or anger. Only In my mind I said: „Sorry that I’m like this. I just can’t do anything about this. Please forgive me’ I usually closed my door and cried there. That was the only place I could let all my emotions out after suppressing them all day long.

I became very depressed. I had too much stress in my life, too many painful experiences and emotions. I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I felt I was completely alone and no one understood what I was going through. There was nobody who I could talk to. I felt like trash at school and I had no close relationships, even with my family. Everything had become so fake and utterly meaningless. I started to believe that I had no future at all.

I often cried in pain and asked: why, why??? What have I done to deserve all this? Why did I have this accident, why must I stay in a wheelchair for rest of my life, why am I completely alone?

I noticed the pain, what I had caused to my mother and all the trouble what my family had to go through and I just blamed myself for everything. I hated myself and my life and wished I had never been born. I asked god or some other greater force to end my life. I begged: „Please, let it all stop, please..“

I had fallen into complete darkness and despair. My life seemed to have no meaning except endless suffering. What is the point in continuing to live with that burden of misery? Why should I carry on?

I had reached the lowest point of my life. I was ready to let go of everything, including my own life. I wanted to surrender. I just couldn’t carry on like that. Something had to change.

Suddenly my self destructiveness transformed into deep sadness. I cried and felt empathy towards myself. I was so sorry about everything what was happening to me. I knew deep down that it was not my fault. I had always given my best and never wanted to harm myself or anyone else. I just did what I could with the wisdom I had. Thanks to the sadness I found the courage to forgive myself.

I started to feel more than just emptiness and despair. I saw the light behind the shadows. Something, which cannot be explained by words alone. Something totally different from the world of reason and egoistic fears.
It was like a switch, which was turned on. It caused a shift in my consciousness and I felt something powerful deep inside. Something that was always there waiting to be found. I heard the voice of my heart, which said: „Don’t give up! Life is precious. Believe in yourself and live!“

Thanks to the power of compassion, I realized that my life couldn’t end like that. I couldn’t just waste it and close the door of unlimited possibilities. I knew that there was still something to be discovered. I started to feel hope. I wanted to try again. I decided I would never give up. I chose to be strong.

A new door was finally opened.

Transformation

After letting go of my ego and discovering my inner power, I started to notice some changes in my life. I became more open to different things and started to read more about many life phenomenons. One of the topics was about dreams. I was very interested in one particular nightmare I had for most of my life. In that dream I was always alone in my room, where I suddenly began to feel fear, which was a trigger for some kind of darkness to haunt me. It usually entered the room from a window and wanted to absorb me. I had tried to escape it countless times, but always failed. Later I had also become easily able to recognize the dream and consciously let myself be caught so I could end the dream. But once I began to read more about those issues, I wanted to defeat the darkness or become friends with it. I was sick of running away.

Gradually my awareness and willpower grew bigger. I stopped escaping from my life and took responsibility. For the first time I felt the courage to face my fears head-on. I realized that I had nothing to fear but fear itself. When I embraced my fear – when I acknowledged it instead of running away from it, my fear was dispelled. I finally stopped having the nightmares.

I also became more active and took part in many sport camps for people with disabilities. I started to notice how well people like me were actually doing. I became friends with a guy, who was also in a wheelchair, but he looked very cool and inspiring to me. I realized that my wheelchair didn’t define me at all. In fact, I even thought that being in a wheelchair could be awesome. Challenging, but still cool. That the only thing what was different about me was my attitude.

At one point I also met with one of my brother’s friends, who gifted me a few books to read like „Messages From Your Angels“ by Doreen Virtue and other esoteric books. It’s just amazing how perfect was the timing for that. Reading these books let me discover a totally new world. My perspective on things changed a lot. I became more positive about my life and learned to feel gratitude for seemingly small things in life. I finally thought that maybe my accident had happened for a reason. I opened up to the possibility that this was a gift to be shared.

I realized that I create my own reality and my thoughts have a tremendous power. So I began to think mostly positive thoughts. I decided to look inside for answers and not blame the external world for my misery. I started to see myself as a creator, not a victim.

As time went by, my relationships were also slowly starting to transform. The boys at school weren’t so mean to me anymore and everything else also looked brighter. Yes, it’s true that we all had become more mature, but still. Good things were starting to happen to me, which proved me that the inner world creates the outer world.

I realized that everything starts with believing in yourself. Just like that. With the decision to be brave.

I had to experience a lot of suffering to finally recognize this truth, but I’m so grateful for it.

Expanding Awareness

At this point I was about 17 years old. I entered high school and I was mentally in much better shape than before. I wanted to improve and change my life consciously. I started talking more openly and I felt more comfortable while hanging out with my friends. Music became one of my biggest hobbies and I began playing an electric guitar. I also started to work out and train my body, which helped to feel even more confident. It made me feel powerful, someone who is creating his own destiny.

I still had a lot of challenges and moments when I felt down, but positive thoughts had become dominant. The hardest obstacle was already overcome, but I still had a lot of work to do with myself.

For example I felt a lot of loneliness and insecurity while being around girls. I tried to be attractive to them, but was afraid that I wasn’t enough, because of my skinny legs or lack of good social skills. I wanted to be similar to others. Feel like I’m accepted and loved. That’s because I didn’t fully accept myself yet. I still felt that something was missing from my life and the need of a close relationship was controlling me. Because of that I often got very attached to girls who I regularly talked to. As soon as I saw some hopeful hints that a girl possibly liked me, I was already under a spell and fantasized about all kinds of stuff. Many times I thought that I was in love, but actually there was always fear hiding behind that so-called love. I was afraid of being alone. Everybody else I knew already had different romantic experiences, so I thought I should have had them too or otherwise I couldn’t be happy. The older I got, the smarter I became, so I learned a lot from those few experiences I had. I never entered a romantic relationship, but as I was reading books full of wisdom and becoming more aware of my true feelings, I realized the truth quite soon. I understood that expectations and attachments only cause us harm and they have nothing to do with real love, which is unconditional. I didn’t want to experience anymore suffering. I wished only the best for myself, so I stopped playing those games and began to focus on what’s more important.

Being independent was something that gave me the most power and confidence. That’s why when I got a driving license, my life changed greatly. I didn’t have to depend on others anymore and I could go everywhere I wanted. It made me very happy.

Once I went to an university to study IT and started living by myself, my growth rate became even faster. With the first months I gained more friends than with all the years at the previous school. My comfortable zone expanded greatly. I started doing more sports, joined a student organization and took up many interesting courses like Reiki healing and Holistic Training, where I met a lot of similar people and broke many emotional and social barriers.

At one point I realized that I needed to make drastic changes concerning my health and lifestyle as well. I often felt horrible after meals and my energy levels were low. I experienced acid reflux, skin problems and excessive sweating. I knew something wasn’t right. Thanks to self love I realized that people aren’t here on this planet to suffer. So I began to do a lot of research on health and nutrition topics. I discovered that most health problems people have are connected to eating animal products, so I removed these from my diet. I instantly felt better, but cooked vegan diet still didn’t feel perfect to me. After just a week of eating that way, I already discovered raw foods and recognized that it was exactly the thing I was searching for. My eyes started to shine and I felt new hope for myself. I was sure that if I continued to eat raw living foods, I would get my legs back eventually.

It was the second biggest door I have ever opened. Everything in my life changed after that and my consciousness reached totally new levels. I realized that we have been lied to our whole life and everything is actually much simpler than It appears. I started to believe that everything is curable on this planet and all diseases are just illusions, which don’t let us take responsibility for our actions if we believe in them. It became obvious to me that we are the creators of our life. We have nothing to fear except our own power. Once we realize this, everything is reversible.

Thanks to the power of living foods, I also became more emotionally stable and found that eating that way helped me to stay positive very easily. With a clean body came a clear mind.

I also began to absorb wisdom from different books more easily. I suddenly realized something which I couldn’t understand before. For example when I read books like „The Power of Now“ by Eckhart Tolle and „Way of the Peaceful Warrior“ by Dan Millman, It didn’t take long for me to recognize what was the true message behind these teachings. I didn’t just understand words with my rational mind, but I experienced them with my body as well. I discovered the power of silence and staying in the moment, just witnessing what IS. I finally realized that I wasn’t my thoughts or feelings. I started to observe them like movies playing in my consciousness. I found that I don’t have to identify with my thoughts or feelings at all. I don’t need to be afraid of them. They just are. And our true power lies beyond our mind. Our thoughts are just tools to be used by an observer within.

After that realization I lost traces of my depression completely. I’ve never lost myself again and I always know where is my true home even while my outer world can be a mess at times. I can be wherever or feel whatever and still stay calm and balanced. I can cry, but not suffer at the same time. I can just feel the beauty of sadness while not giving my ego any power with my negative thoughts. I just let the river of life flow in me and stay present. Everything will pass eventually.

I began to fully accept myself as I am. Feelings of loneliness and resistance disappeared and I became free to do whatever I wish to do in life. I am not controlled by life circumstances or even my own thoughts anymore. Of course, I still have many challenges, but these aren’t problems anymore. I have some habits, which I need to let go of to achieve my goals, but my spirit is free. I am like a programmer who just needs to change his code to get some things working. Our brains and the rest of the physical world takes time to change, but our true power can always be found in the present moment wherever we currently are.

Life of Unlimited Possibilities

Learning to love myself and overcoming all these obstacles I had was a long process, but I have changed so much it’s unbelievable. Now I have more willpower and self-love than most people on the planet. I reached a point where I don’t have any regrets about what happened to me. I’m grateful for everything, because that helped me to become the person I am today and I like it!

The accident, which seemed to be the biggest curse in the beginning became my greatest gift. The pain transformed into light to show me the way. I wouldn’t change anything in my past, because these were all necessary experiences to grow as a human being. I have so much to share and I can inspire people just by rolling inside a room with my wheelchair! I can appreciate all the small details in this world and be happy wherever I am.

I have already done some amazing things like participating in a TV show, where I hiked with 9 other people with disabilities in nature for 2 weeks, which gave me a lot of power to continue living life to the fullest. Last year I also went to Portugal completely alone to study 5 months as an exchange student. And I’m doing quite fine generally too. I can drive my own car and live independently.

But I know that this is just a beginning.  My biggest goal is healing myself and learning to walk again. I already made peace with my condition so It’s not a way to ‘become happy’, but It’s just a very powerful dream, which I want to turn into a reality. I’m already on this planet to do something so I choose to take on the biggest and most inspiring challenge I can think of. I want to show the world that everything is possible with the power of belief and self-love.

I can already walk small distances with crutches, but I mostly use my hands at the moment. My goal is to reach well beyond that and regenerate my spine to get my lower functions back. It seems a little bit crazy, but only for the conditioned mind. My heart knows that I will get there one day. I will stand in front of people and sing like a star. This website is for you to see it become real, step by step. I’m already living proof of the possibility to feel happiness in every situation, but I will also show you what miracles can this happiness create!

So stay with me! I wish you all the best. Peace!