The Story Of My Life: How Pain Became A Shining Light

In Personal by Madis MarkLeave a Comment

I rarely dwell in the past and sometimes my distant memories even seem to be from another person’s life. I have changed so much over the years that I often wonder what kind of magic lead me to this current place. I am so used to my new self that sometimes I can’t even explain my transformation. Everything has become so natural that if someone would ask me how can I be so happy or peaceful, then it’s possible that I wouldn’t know the answer. Happiness just seems to be the natural state for humans. Why should I be miserable?

However, that kind of attitude would’ve been a complete utopia many years back, because I felt like the most unfortunate person alive.

To share my story and inspire others to live and help themselves, I consider it necessary to remember what happened to me and how did I find myself. This story has a lot of sad and painful elements, which I rarely write or talk about, because I have a very positive outlook on life and I prefer to live in the present, but I feel that people must hear it. Nothing in life deserves to be hidden or locked away, repainted with bright colors. I want to tell my story exactly as it was to respect my inner child’s and past self’s wishes. He sincerely wants to share his feelings, which he couldn’t do during the most difficult times. He wants to feel that his painful experiences had a purpose and people learn something real and valuable by listening to his story.

The truth is beautiful exactly as it is, therefore I’m going to tell you a honest story about my fateful accident and the following pain, which transformed into a shining light for the whole world.

My Joyful Childhood

I was born in a small city in Estonia, where I lived in a rich neighborhood surrounded by multi-storey buildings. My mother and father parted ways when I was just 4 years old, and I lived with my mom and two older brothers. I rarely saw my father, although he was still a part of my life and made me try different sports or went bicycling with me.

As a child I was quite similar to most of the boys at my age. Cheerfulness and creativity were my natural attributes and I liked to play all day long. There was never a problem that nobody wanted to come out of the house or that nothing was to be done. I remember that I woke up early, ate my breakfast and wanted to go outside straight away. I didn’t even have to make an arrangement and call my friends, because they had a similar routine and we found each other fast.

Life was simple and the present moment was the most valuable treasure for us. Generally we stuck together and couldn’t hold a grudge for too long. Even when we had a fight, it was already forgotten the next day. Thanks to the nearby nature we didn’t lack any adventures either. We often went hiking and had a picnic, or climbed on trees and posts, and of course we went running or cycling as well. Computers and mobile phones weren’t so common back then, so we had to create our own activities and games, which included hide-and-seek, scouting (spying) and playing with toy guns.

The days were full of excitement, adrenaline and joy. We didn’t know what it meant to be bored. We lived our lives to the fullest and enjoyed every single moment. (I guess that’s why these memories are so easy to recall). When we had an idea, we usually carried it out without thinking much. For example once, when I was about 6 years old, I decided to visit Finland with a playmate. We packed our bags and walked towards the way out of the city. Fortunately my mother saw this, because she was working in a gas station nearby, and stopped us. The fantasies were just so vivid that we often managed to create such hilarious situations.

I remember a day, when I half-jokingly made a confession to a girl and wrote “I love you” on a wall. I was possibly only 7 years old and these situations were obviously very embarrassing for children. My announcement was even so upsetting that the girl sent the entire street to chase me. I hid myself along with a friend on old concrete blocks laying in the back of the gas station, where we giggled and thought how the hell were we supposed to return home safely. At one point I managed to get inside my house, but a lot of kids wanted to break in. Luckily my older brother and his friend drove them away.

Besides a carefree and joyful life, I also experienced some scarier moments. For example I remember a day, when my mother and brother were temporarily shopping and I stayed home as a 4-year-old kid. I was playing Commander Keen until I suddenly had an urge to go to my kitchen. I’m not sure what I was exactly doing there, but at one point my room, where I played the game, was totally in flames. I run to a kitchen window to call for help. The fire was so intense that about 6 firetrucks showed up! Official cause of the fire was a short circuited wall socket, but who knows, such a young child can also lit a room by playing with fire. I have very hazy memories of this incident and my actions, but I remember feeling a lot of fear inside myself, when I was taken to the back of an ambulance. I was afraid that I would be punished, but instead they comforted me and told me that it had just been an accident, which I also started to believe over time.

Despite some ugly incidents and accidents I always recharged my batteries in a short time and never stayed under the control of my fears. Even though I got hurt many times while playing, I never felt scared to do crazy things. I was extremely brave and I liked to climb everywhere I could.

I even caused a lot of trouble like any normal boy. Once I kicked and broke a window of one stairway’s door glass in the middle of my games and hid myself until the end of the day, hoping my deed would be forgotten. At school I was put standing in a corner a few times and sometimes I had fights with other kids, but that was just regular boyish life. I was very energetic and I also had a lot of friends.

One of the main reasons why I was respected by other boys were my faithful legs. When we had relay races at school I was usually one of the first classmates, who was invited to a team, because I was a good runner. This helped me to fit in very well.
In addition, my legs gave me a lot of self-confidence and made me feel very powerful. Thanks to my faithful and quick legs I could do whatever I wanted. I was free and independent. I could go anywhere and express myself in different ways.

My legs were the core of my strength and pride. They meant everything to me…

The Accident

But on one fateful day (September 1, 2001), everything changed. I was 9 years old, waiting for one of my best friend’s birthday party after 3rd grade school ceremony. I was also invited to my grandmother’s birthday by my family, but I chose to stay home and go to my friend’s place instead. But before that I went to a nearby shop to buy some snacks. There I met a few friends, who wished for some excitement. I still had about 2 hours until the birthday party so I decided to join them.

There was an abandoned and fenceless construction site near my home, which was our typical playground. We had gone there dozens of times before to play games or have a picnic. On that day the four of us decided to play hide and seek, so we split into two teams. We crawled through the hollow spaces of long blocks of concrete, made silent movements and scouted around the place, sometimes lifting our heads up to see where the other boys were located. I felt very excited like normally. Nothing seemed to be different.

But suddenly… after my teammate had finished scouting, he jumped off a concrete block, which was insecurely supported by another. The jump caused the block to lose its balance while I was directly in front of it. As soon as I realized that, I was already on the ground face down, noticing only some dust flying around. The concrete block, which weighed about 1,5 tons, had fallen on my back. I have no idea how it’s possible, but my upper body including my hands and head was untouched. It was a miracle that I even survived.

While I was lying there on my stomach, I never lost consciousness nor did I even feel any pain. But I was completely stuck. At first I tried to pull myself out with my hands, but it was hopeless. My teammate had also injured one of his legs, but he was so shocked that he run away. I called for help, but the other boys, who were farther away, thought that I was just fooling around and didn’t want to reveal themselves. After a few minutes they luckily still came to me, realized what had happened and run to a shop to call the ambulance.

I stayed there alone, completely shocked. I began to notice that I didn’t feel my legs anymore. I had never experienced this tingly and numb sensation before, so it felt very strange. I continued to make several desperate attempts to get out, but failed.

Everything felt so unreal. I started to cry from the sadness and regret as I was afraid to die. Different memories were flashing before my eyes. I thought about my close relationships and began to say goodbye using my real voice. I said I’m sorry.

I was almost ready to let go of my life, when suddenly I heard the ambulance alarm, which was getting louder and louder. Soon my friends arrived with a medical team and the rescue operation began. They used big airbags to carefully lift the concrete block up. This was the first moment when I felt pain during the whole event. Although the nerves from the back to my toes had already stopped functioning, I still felt a tremendous amount of pain coming from the bones as the concrete block was being lifted. I screamed like I was in hell.

It turned out that the accident had happened at the exact place, where some blocks of wood were placed. It was probably the only reason why I wasn’t completely crushed by the massive weight.

When I finally managed to get out, my body looked so deformed like it had the shape of a frog. They carefully put me into a car and took me to a hospital. I was in a lot of pain, but while looking at the clock, my only concern was being late to the birthday party, where I promised to go. I had no idea what that accident really meant.

I remember that when my parents saw me at the hospital, I just smiled at them and thought that everything was going to be just fine. After all, I had experienced many falls and accidents before. Why it should have been any different from the previous times?

After the initial diagnosis I was transported to a more advanced hospital in Tallinn. There I immediately underwent a stomach surgery, which put my organs back in the right place, and later had a spinal surgery for my completely shattered L3 disc. I also had a lot of broken ribs and two broken legs, but these were my lightest injuries.

The doctors told my parents that I would probably never walk again and maybe even stay bedridden. My parents were obviously very shocked to hear this, but I was completely unaware of these things and just wanted to sleep and rest at that point.

This was the day I’ll never forget. It changed my whole life completely. But I would’ve never imagined how it was going to continue from that moment forward. In my mind I was just temporarily visiting the hospital until I would continue my life like I had always done.

The Painful Loss

After the accident I stayed at the hospital for many weeks. I spent my first week in the intensive care , where most of the time I was half-asleep and screaming in pain. I was alone with different nurses, who were sometimes quite annoyed by those screams, because they couldn’t sleep at night. Later I got out and could finally be with my mother, who stayed by my side the following weeks.

In the beginning I was very traumatized and saw a lot of nightmares about the accident, so I needed a lot of support and closeness. But I got so used to the care that I became very lazy and didn’t like to do the things I was told. My comfortable side took over and I just became dependent on others and their nurture. A doctor warned me about my future if I didn’t take action. But I didn’t really understand these words. I didn’t think about the future at all, I just wanted to rest and be with my mother.

I still got out of a bed quite soon though. I started to practice moving with a wheelchair, although It was very hard for my back at first. My legs didn’t move at all, only my thigh muscles twitched a little. They were also in plaster casts, so I couldn’t do much anyway. And because of the spinal injury, I also lost my bladder function, so I couldn’t even pee on my own.

One day my classmates came to visit me at the hospital. I was happy to see them and their pictures what they had drawn for me. It seemed they really missed me and wanted me to come back to school again. But something felt strange and soon I started to feel uncomfortable. Someone asked why did I have a towel on my legs. I started to feel embarrassed and didn’t want them to look at me with their confused eyes and make comments about my body. I wanted them to leave me alone.
This was the first time I felt I was different from everybody else. That there was something wrong with me.

I continued to spend many weeks in solitude and only my mother or father was usually around. I didn’t see my friends for a very long time and my social skills were slowly starting to disappear. I believe that mentally I got even younger than 9 years. My life had changed so much that my previous identity was slowly fading away. The boy, who had often acted as a leader for other kids, was turning into a fragile child.

A day arrived when It was time to remove the plaster casts from my legs. I hadn’t seen my legs from the knee down even once after the accident, so I didn’t know what to expect. But when I finally got the chance to look at them, my naive hopes of continuing my normal life were shattered at that single moment. I didn’t recognize my legs anymore, because they were extremely atrophied. I burst out crying like I had lost something very precious to me. The emotional pain I felt was indescribable. It was one of the most shocking moments of my life and a big portion of my remaining self-confidence was lost at that day.

I was only a 9-year-old boy, who didn’t know what to do with all those feelings. Everybody wanted me to train hard and take care of myself, but there wasn’t any willpower left in me. I didn’t have the strength to take on such a huge challenge. So I was forced to do all the work by my mother. Of course these half-heartedly done exercises weren’t enough, but at least I could improve a little and not stay completely inactive.

School and Relationship Issues

I became so dependent on my mother that we always stayed together wherever I had to go. She quit working and taking care of me became her full-time job. That gradually took a toll on her and our relationship was getting more complicated. At such a young age, I couldn’t understand her feelings, so I kind of took it all for granted.

At one point, she refused to go to a rehabilitation center with me again, because I was old enough. At first I resisted and didn’t want to let go of her, but there were so many fun activities that after a while I got used to it. It was a perfect environment to be in, because I didn’t feel different from others around me. I was energetic and I liked playing with other kids.

When It was time to go back to school, the insecure side of me took over again. Although my classmates were very excited to see me, I felt very alienated. I didn’t know how to communicate with them as I was mentally so behind from everyone else.
Gradually they also realized that I was a completely different person than before. I was very closed and shy, so they started to lose respect for me. As I changed, so did their attitude towards me.

I remember one time, when I didn’t pay enough attention in the class and my teacher shouted at me in front of everyone. She told me that my circumstances don’t give me a reason to deserve special treatment. I was so fragile that I started to cry. But something like that wasn’t very accepted at school. Although we were so young, we were already taught to hide our emotions and behave normally. It wasn’t okay for a boy to shed tears like that.

As the time went on, things got more and more complicated. My classmates were developing so rapidly that I fell behind even more. Boys were already hanging out with the girls while I never even spoke with a girl. Even one girl who I was friends with since childhood didn’t say a word to me. Can’t blame them either, because that was a new and difficult situation for all of us. I wasn’t confident enough to start talking with them nor they had the courage or wisdom to step out of the mass and act differently.

Because they were developing much faster then I was, I started to notice even more differences between us so the frustration inside me grew even bigger. I was ashamed of myself and felt like I didn’t belong there.

When we hit puberty, our class was getting more and more difficult to control. Boys grew arrogant and started to demonstrate their power. They often broke into the classroom between the lessons even though It wasn’t allowed.
They were extremely aggressive and often threw different objects around the class. I was always sitting inside so I had to be careful not to get hit. But sometimes they tried to hit me deliberately to bully me. For them It was just fun, but I was afraid every time they jumped in and played their games.

At that time I didn’t know why I deserved all that bullying, but I guess they were disgusted by my shy nature. I was unpopular and weak, which gave them the opportunity to feel superior. I wasn’t in particular conflict with any of them, but It was just something that became the norm. If the leaders of our class decided not to be friends with me, everyone followed, because they didn’t want to be left out of the group.

Soon I was bullied basically every day in some way. Boys were very mean to me and some of them didn’t want to even have eye contact and shouted that I should look away. That was quite humiliating and gave me a feeling like I was a piece of trash.
I was a person everybody could make fun of. When one of my classmates took my hands by force and raised them up, singing a song at the same time, It was humorous for the whole class. I noticed that only the girls were against that kind of behavior, but no one really dared to take action. They just wanted to stay out of that.

One of the most painful moments for me was when a classmate made fun of my skinny legs and said that I deserved to have that accident. I’ve never held a grudge against him, but It surely had a big impact on me.

If puberty made the other boys aggressive and mean, It was the opposite for me. I became even more closed and kept everything to myself. I never blamed anyone else and I didn’t even talk about those issues with my family, because I thought that It would make things even worse. I just learned to suppress my emotions as hard as I could.

Not everything in my life was so gloomy though. I still had a few friends in school I could talk to. When someone sat next to me, I usually talked quite a lot and sometimes even interrupted the lessons. Luckily I also had a few childhood friends, who hadn’t abandoned me and who often invited me outside, although I didn’t really say a word for a long time. My social skills were lacking and I felt I was too different. Mostly I just listened to them or replied when I was rarely asked something. I often felt that I was invisible and If I had disappeared, they wouldn’t have noticed. So as you can tell It wasn’t very fun being around with me, but I’m so thankful they still considered me as their friend. In a way they were like guardian angels, who didn’t let my light vanish completely.

Light Behind the Shadows

I also got a lot of relief from playing computer games and socializing with my online buddies. That gave me the chance to feel equal with others. I felt so free and powerful in the virtual world that I could forget everything what was happening in my real life. This wasn’t good for my body though as I often sat there all day long. I didn’t take enough care of my self and that was unacceptable for my mother. We had a lot of fights because of those issues and she would sometimes turn off my computer by force. I understand why she did so, but that made our relationship even more complicated. For me It was equivalent to taking away my whole life and meaning. My only place, where I could feel safe. Her actions angered me a lot and I started to reject her.

Besides my mother, I also lived some time with my brother, who was just starting to grow up and become more independent. He didn’t like to be at home very much and when he did, he wished to be alone. We were often competing over who could use the computer. He usually won, but I still disturbed him quite a bit while he was doing his things. We had conflicts, which often led to physical fights and these usually ended with me crying in the other room’s corner.

As time went by, everything became only worse. I didn’t want to be close with my mother anymore. She would often bring me back from school, but that frustrated me a lot. It was understandable with my condition, but I felt very uncomfortable when all the people, especially the girls, saw it. I wanted to grow up like everyone else and become independent. Going home with my mother was devastating for my ego and I often felt a lot of anger and frustration inside me while we were driving home. I didn’t want to say a word to her. Sometimes I did and that led to a painful fight again. She would often lose her temper and shout at me. I didn’t want to experience those conflicts, so I just thought that staying quiet and ignoring her complaints was the best thing to do. But unfortunately that made my mother feel like I didn’t care about her.

Sometimes she felt very saddened and told me that she didn’t know what to do with me anymore. She compared me to my brothers and asked why I was such a difficult kid to raise. Once she even threatened to abandon me and take me to a boarding school if I didn’t change.

Gradually she also grew tired of fighting and closed herself, when she realized that her words weren’t accomplishing anything. Soon she just gave up on me, believing she had failed.

I was aware that she was in pain, but I just couldn’t talk to her anymore. I could only show her my apathy or anger. Only In my mind I said: „Sorry that I’m like this. I just can’t do anything about this. Please forgive me’ I usually closed my door and cried there. That was the only place I could let all my emotions out after suppressing them all day long.

I became very depressed. I had too much stress in my life, too many painful experiences and emotions. I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I felt I was completely alone and no one understood what I was going through. There was nobody who I could talk to. I felt like trash at school and I had no close relationships, even with my family. Everything had become so fake and utterly meaningless. I started to believe that I had no future at all.

I often cried in pain and asked: why, why??? What have I done to deserve all this? Why did I have this accident, why must I stay in a wheelchair for rest of my life, why am I completely alone?

I noticed the pain, what I had caused to my mother and all the trouble what my family had to go through and I just blamed myself for everything. I hated myself and my life and wished I had never been born. I asked god or some other greater force to end my life. I begged: „Please, let it all stop, please..“

I had fallen into complete darkness and despair. My life seemed to have no meaning except endless suffering. What is the point in continuing to live with that burden of misery? Why should I carry on?

I had reached the lowest point of my life. I was ready to let go of everything, including my own life. I wanted to surrender. I just couldn’t carry on like that. Something had to change.

Suddenly my self destructiveness transformed into deep sadness. I cried and felt empathy towards myself. I was so sorry about everything what was happening to me. I knew deep down that it was not my fault. I had always given my best and never wanted to harm myself or anyone else. I just did what I could with the wisdom I had. Thanks to the sadness I found the courage to forgive myself.

I started to feel more than just emptiness and despair. I saw the light behind the shadows. Something, which cannot be explained by words alone. Something totally different from the world of reason and egoistic fears.
It was like a switch, which was turned on. It caused a shift in my consciousness and I felt something powerful deep inside. Something that was always there waiting to be found. I heard the voice of my heart, which said: „Don’t give up! Life is precious. Believe in yourself and live!“

Thanks to the power of compassion, I realized that my life couldn’t end like that. I couldn’t just waste it and close the door of unlimited possibilities. I knew that there was still something to be discovered. I started to feel hope. I wanted to try again. I decided I would never give up. I chose to be strong.

A new door was finally opened.

Transformation

After letting go of my ego and discovering my inner power, I started to notice some changes in my life. I became more open to different things and started to read more about many life phenomenons. One of the topics was about dreams. I was very interested in one particular nightmare I had for most of my life. In that dream I was always alone in my room, where I suddenly began to feel fear, which was a trigger for some kind of darkness to haunt me. It usually entered the room from a window and wanted to absorb me. I had tried to escape it countless times, but always failed. Later I had also become easily able to recognize the dream and consciously let myself be caught so I could end the dream. But once I began to read more about those issues, I wanted to defeat the darkness or become friends with it. I was sick of running away.

Gradually my awareness and willpower grew bigger. I stopped escaping from my life and took responsibility. For the first time I felt the courage to face my fears head-on. I realized that I had nothing to fear but fear itself. When I embraced my fear – when I acknowledged it instead of running away from it, my fear was dispelled. I finally stopped having the nightmares.

I also became more active and took part in many sport camps for people with disabilities. I started to notice how well people like me were actually doing. I became friends with a guy, who was also in a wheelchair, but he looked very cool and inspiring to me. I realized that my wheelchair didn’t define me at all. In fact, I even thought that being in a wheelchair could be awesome. Challenging, but still cool. That the only thing what was different about me was my attitude.

At one point I also met with one of my brother’s friends, who gifted me a few books to read like „Messages From Your Angels“ by Doreen Virtue and other esoteric books. It’s just amazing how perfect was the timing for that. Reading these books let me discover a totally new world. My perspective on things changed a lot. I became more positive about my life and learned to feel gratitude for seemingly small things in life. I finally thought that maybe my accident had happened for a reason. I opened up to the possibility that this was a gift to be shared.

I realized that I create my own reality and my thoughts have a tremendous power. So I began to think mostly positive thoughts. I decided to look inside for answers and not blame the external world for my misery. I started to see myself as a creator, not a victim.

As time went by, my relationships were also slowly starting to transform. The boys at school weren’t so mean to me anymore and everything else also looked brighter. Yes, it’s true that we all had become more mature, but still. Good things were starting to happen to me, which proved me that the inner world creates the outer world.

I realized that everything starts with believing in yourself. Just like that. With the decision to be brave.

I had to experience a lot of suffering to finally recognize this truth, but I’m so grateful for it.

Expanding Awareness

At this point I was about 17 years old. I entered high school and I was mentally in much better shape than before. I wanted to improve and change my life consciously. I started talking more openly and I felt more comfortable while hanging out with my friends. Music became one of my biggest hobbies and I began playing an electric guitar. I also started to work out and train my body, which helped to feel even more confident. It made me feel powerful, someone who is creating his own destiny.

I still had a lot of challenges and moments when I felt down, but positive thoughts had become dominant. The hardest obstacle was already overcome, but I still had a lot of work to do with myself.

For example I felt a lot of loneliness and insecurity while being around girls. I tried to be attractive to them, but was afraid that I wasn’t enough, because of my skinny legs or lack of good social skills. I wanted to be similar to others. Feel like I’m accepted and loved. That’s because I didn’t fully accept myself yet. I still felt that something was missing from my life and the need of a close relationship was controlling me. Because of that I often got very attached to girls who I regularly talked to. As soon as I saw some hopeful hints that a girl possibly liked me, I was already under a spell and fantasized about all kinds of stuff. Many times I thought that I was in love, but actually there was always fear hiding behind that so-called love. I was afraid of being alone. Everybody else I knew already had different romantic experiences, so I thought I should have had them too or otherwise I couldn’t be happy. The older I got, the smarter I became, so I learned a lot from those few experiences I had. I never entered a romantic relationship, but as I was reading books full of wisdom and becoming more aware of my true feelings, I realized the truth quite soon. I understood that expectations and attachments only cause us harm and they have nothing to do with real love, which is unconditional. I didn’t want to experience anymore suffering. I wished only the best for myself, so I stopped playing those games and began to focus on what’s more important.

Being independent was something that gave me the most power and confidence. That’s why when I got a driving license, my life changed greatly. I didn’t have to depend on others anymore and I could go everywhere I wanted. It made me very happy.

Once I went to an university to study IT and started living by myself, my growth rate became even faster. With the first months I gained more friends than with all the years at the previous school. My comfortable zone expanded greatly. I started doing more sports, joined a student organization and took up many interesting courses like Reiki healing and Holistic Training, where I met a lot of similar people and broke many emotional and social barriers.

At one point I realized that I needed to make drastic changes concerning my health and lifestyle as well. I often felt horrible after meals and my energy levels were low. I experienced acid reflux, skin problems and excessive sweating. I knew something wasn’t right. Thanks to self love I realized that people aren’t here on this planet to suffer. So I began to do a lot of research on health and nutrition topics. I discovered that most health problems people have are connected to eating animal products, so I removed these from my diet. I instantly felt better, but cooked vegan diet still didn’t feel perfect to me. After just a week of eating that way, I already discovered raw foods and recognized that it was exactly the thing I was searching for. My eyes started to shine and I felt new hope for myself. I was sure that if I continued to eat raw living foods, I would get my legs back eventually.

It was the second biggest door I have ever opened. Everything in my life changed after that and my consciousness reached totally new levels. I realized that we have been lied to our whole life and everything is actually much simpler than It appears. I started to believe that everything is curable on this planet and all diseases are just illusions, which don’t let us take responsibility for our actions if we believe in them. It became obvious to me that we are the creators of our life. We have nothing to fear except our own power. Once we realize this, everything is reversible.

Thanks to the power of living foods, I also became more emotionally stable and found that eating that way helped me to stay positive very easily. With a clean body came a clear mind.

I also began to absorb wisdom from different books more easily. I suddenly realized something which I couldn’t understand before. For example when I read books like „The Power of Now“ by Eckhart Tolle and „Way of the Peaceful Warrior“ by Dan Millman, It didn’t take long for me to recognize what was the true message behind these teachings. I didn’t just understand words with my rational mind, but I experienced them with my body as well. I discovered the power of silence and staying in the moment, just witnessing what IS. I finally realized that I wasn’t my thoughts or feelings. I started to observe them like movies playing in my consciousness. I found that I don’t have to identify with my thoughts or feelings at all. I don’t need to be afraid of them. They just are. And our true power lies beyond our mind. Our thoughts are just tools to be used by an observer within.

After that realization I lost traces of my depression completely. I’ve never lost myself again and I always know where is my true home even while my outer world can be a mess at times. I can be wherever or feel whatever and still stay calm and balanced. I can cry, but not suffer at the same time. I can just feel the beauty of sadness while not giving my ego any power with my negative thoughts. I just let the river of life flow in me and stay present. Everything will pass eventually.

I began to fully accept myself as I am. Feelings of loneliness and resistance disappeared and I became free to do whatever I wish to do in life. I am not controlled by life circumstances or even my own thoughts anymore. Of course, I still have many challenges, but these aren’t problems anymore. I have some habits, which I need to let go of to achieve my goals, but my spirit is free. I am like a programmer who just needs to change his code to get some things working. Our brains and the rest of the physical world takes time to change, but our true power can always be found in the present moment wherever we currently are.

Life of Unlimited Possibilities

Learning to love myself and overcoming all these obstacles I had was a long process, but I have changed so much it’s unbelievable. Now I have more willpower and self-love than most people on the planet. I reached a point where I don’t have any regrets about what happened to me. I’m grateful for everything, because that helped me to become the person I am today and I like it!

The accident, which seemed to be the biggest curse in the beginning became my greatest gift. The pain transformed into light to show me the way. I wouldn’t change anything in my past, because these were all necessary experiences to grow as a human being. I have so much to share and I can inspire people just by rolling inside a room with my wheelchair! I can appreciate all the small details in this world and be happy wherever I am.

I have already done some amazing things like participating in a TV show, where I hiked with 9 other people with disabilities in nature for 2 weeks, which gave me a lot of power to continue living life to the fullest. Last year I also went to Portugal completely alone to study 5 months as an exchange student. And I’m doing quite fine generally too. I can drive my own car and live independently.

But I know that this is just a beginning.  My biggest goal is healing myself and learning to walk again. I already made peace with my condition so It’s not a way to ‘become happy’, but It’s just a very powerful dream, which I want to turn into a reality. I’m already on this planet to do something so I choose to take on the biggest and most inspiring challenge I can think of. I want to show the world that everything is possible with the power of belief and self-love.

I can already walk small distances with crutches, but I mostly use my hands at the moment. My goal is to reach well beyond that and regenerate my spine to get my lower functions back. It seems a little bit crazy, but only for the conditioned mind. My heart knows that I will get there one day. I will stand in front of people and sing like a star. This website is for you to see it become real, step by step. I’m already living proof of the possibility to feel happiness in every situation, but I will also show you what miracles can this happiness create!

So stay with me! I wish you all the best. Peace!

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